W11: Transitions in Marriage - Fidelity and Physical Intimacy
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| image via: lds.org |
Just as we have a responsibility to be stewards and
caretakers of our spouse’s dreams and ambitions (see this post) we also have a responsibility
to fulfill a sexual stewardship within our marriage. This does not mean that we are solely responsible
for our spouse’s happiness (just as we are not solely responsible for the
realization of their dreams). However,
it does mean that we have the duty and the privilege of learning all we can about
each other and to enhance our marital bond by seeking one another’s happiness,
as we do in all aspects of our relationship. Physical relations within marriage
can be an emotionally bonding, marriage strengthening activity, if we actively
seek to fulfil this stewardship.
Know your spouse
Sean E. Brotherson, Professor of Child Development at North
Dakota State University, has observed,
“It is of interest to note that the word sex or sexuality does not appear in the scriptures. Rather, it is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. This idea of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” connotes a deeply satisfying aspect of married love.”1
One way that we can truly get to know our spouse better than
anyone else and to strengthen the ties that hold us together is through
physical intimacy. The scriptures refer
to “knowing” our spouse because this is the ultimate act of closeness with another
person. This is one of the ways that God
has provided for us to express our love and our highest form of connection with
the person that we have chosen to make covenants with. Knowing our spouse in this way helps us to
feel truly “one” or united as a team in confronting the challenges – and enjoying
the blessings – of this life.
How can we seek to know our spouse better and to strengthen
this physical and emotional bond? In the
same way that we seek to understand their dreams, their fears, and their
hopes. In the same way that we resolve
problems and plan for the future. Open
and honest communication is the key to married partners having a satisfying experience
and to feeling loved and intimacy with our spouse.
Stewardship
Sexual stewardship is like any other aspect of marriage in
which we seek to understand and show affection for our spouse. In this area, as with all others, we must sensitive
and tuned in to our spouse’s needs and feelings. We must actively strive to improve our
relationship outside of the bedroom so that we can feel closer and more connected
to one another in more intimate settings.
And, just like other aspects of marriage, there is always room for improvement.
We can ask ourselves what we can do, either physically, emotionally, or
spiritually, to show our spouse more love.
Brent A. Barlow, Professor of Family Studies at Brigham
Young University, describes stewardship in this way,
“Think about your sexual relationship and how you have willingly improved or enhanced its quality as a marital steward, or whether you have avoided and ignored this aspect of your marital stewardship. What would you say if the Lord asked you to account for your efforts in this area? Have you been kind? Have you sought greater light and knowledge? Have you exercised patience and encouragement? Have you pursued answers in faith? These are all characteristics of a wise and caring steward.”2
Complete Fidelity
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| image via: lds.org |
Of course, we cannot consider ourselves true stewards of our
sexual relationship or of our marriage in general if we are not exercising
complete fidelity. While some may assume
that avoiding a physical relationship with someone other than their spouse
qualifies as complete fidelity, in reality complete fidelity in marriage is
much broader than that. Being truly
faithful to our spouse means cultivating trust and respect and remaining
faithful in our minds and hearts as well as in our physical bodies. Complete
fidelity is a matter of the spirit.
In the words of Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor of
Social Work at Brigham Young University,
“Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.”3
When we are committed to our spouse with complete physical
and spiritual fidelity we can begin to build a relationship that is
strengthened in every way. When we take
responsibility for our sexual stewardship in our marriage, along with being a
caretaker of our spouse in other emotional and spiritual ways, we can enjoy the
blessings of complete marital intimacy.
Source 1: Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.
Souce 2: Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49
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