W10: Seeking to Understand
What do you consider
the main purpose of marriage? Is it
personal fulfillment? Is it relief from loneliness? Is it an expression of love?
While all of these
things are and should be a part of a healthy marriage one of the main purposes
of marriage is to help exalt us and our spouses to a higher sphere of
living. The Lord’s purpose in establishing
marriages and families is to help us (as we help each other) on our path to
becoming more like him. One of the ways
that we do this is by cultivating charity so that we can treat one another as
the Savior would. When we do this we
begin to understand the kind of love our Heavenly Parents have for us.
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Honoring Each Other
Dr. John Gottman
teaches that one of the most important ways to avoid “emotional gridlock” is to
seek to understand one another’s dreams and to honor them. This doesn’t mean that we have to fully
embrace every dream as our own, but we must show love and respect for our
spouse by honoring the things that are nearest and dearest to their hearts.
When we seek to
understand and to honor one another, we naturally treat each other with more
kindness, patience, and encouragement.
We stop trying to play tug-of-war with our spouses, where each person is
pulling in a different direction to try to get their own needs met. Instead, we begin to run a three-legged race
in which we are a team, lifting one another and pausing to help each other as
we both move forward. This teamwork
cultivates an atmosphere of love and respect in your home rather than one of
competition or tension. As Dr. Gottman
points out,
“After all, you don’t want the kind of marriage in which you triumph at the expense of crushing your partner.”1
Charity
At times it can be
challenging to see your spouse’s dreams as a blessing and opportunity in your
life, especially when they seem to be at odds with your own dreams. This is where the spirit of charity can help
us.
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Charity is the pure
love of Christ, the kind of heavenly love that we aspire to feel and to
share. When our hearts are filled with
charity we reach out with compassion and empathy to others, finding more joy in
lifting them up than in putting them down.
Charity allows us to see our spouse’s heartfelt desire as our own
desire, because our pure love for them seeks only their happiness. Where pride only sees obstacles, charity sees
the opportunity to contribute to our loved one’s joy.
This is one of the
main purposes of marriage. Our Heavenly
Father has provided us with marriage as the best possible place to practice
charity, forgiveness, and service. He
has given us this divinely appointed covenant so that we may work toward becoming
our best selvs. As Dr. H. Wallace
Goddard puts it,
“God is serious about cultivating our charity.”2
We often see
challenges within marriage as hindrances to our own happiness. But when we begin to love as the Savior
loves, we see the value in putting others first. We love unconditionally, not because we are
seeking love and security for ourselves, but because we are compelled to share
the Christlike love that overflows our hearts.
Dr. Goddard observes,
“Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present.”3
When our hearts are
truly changed and charity becomes the foundation of our marriage, we will learn
to give our love fully and freely, even to those who might at first glance not
seem to deserve it. In doing so, we can
cultivate an atmosphere of caring and respect in our homes that will draw us
closer together and unite our hearts as one.
1 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
2 Source: Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," (2007) Meridian Publishing, VA
3 Source: Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," (2007) Meridian Publishing, VA
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