W07: Staying Emotionally Connected

image via: simpleasthatblog.com

In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman identifies what happens when we make what he calls “bids for attention” to our spouses.  These bids for attention could be as simple as asking for a backrub, putting down the newspaper to talk to our spouse, or asking for help with the housework.  In each of these cases what we are really seeking is the connection and closeness that comes from shared, everyday events with our spouse.  Dr. Gottman suggests that, when these bids for attention are made, we have two basic options: we can turn away from our spouse and ignore the bid, or we can turn toward one another.

Turning Toward

Turning toward one another means responding to our spouse’s needs with empathy and understanding, and letting them know that we really see them and care about their happiness.  Although this can come in simple forms, such as offering to dry the dishes while your spouse is washing, it can also include more significant things such as supporting and caring for a partner who is ill.  It might include taking time off work to help your spouse achieve one of their own career goals.  It may simply be the act of remembering an important anniversary or celebrating something that is special to the two of you.  Each time we turn toward our spouse, rather than remaining absorbed by our own interests, we foster an emotional connection that builds over time and creates an atmosphere of trust and intimacy.  As Dr. Gottman points out:

“Real-life romance…is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”¹

One important reason to turn toward one another and build this atmosphere of love is that it can help us store up feelings of positivity and trust that can help our marriages endure when challenges arise.  For example, a couple who has just learned that their child is ill will be far more likely to band together and face the problem as a lovingly united team, as opposed to a couple who has established a habit living separate, independent lives.  Dr. Gottman theorizes,

“Because they have stored up an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.”²

By turning toward one another, honoring each other’s goals and dreams, and celebrating the moments that make us a family, we build a culture of love and appreciation within our marriages.  This culture is what sustains us when the going gets rough.

image via: lds.org

Which Way Do You Face?

In October 2014, Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy gave a talk in General Conference entitled “Which Way Do You Face?” In his talk he asked us to evaluate whether our hearts were turned to the things of God, or to the things of man – in other words, which direction are we facing?  He pointed out that we should follow the example of our Savior, who always faced the correct way and who never turned His back on His Father’s plan in favor of facing toward the world.  He says,

“He is the only person who never once forgot which way He faced: “I do always those things that please [the Father]” (John 8:29), and “I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me” (John 5:30).³

Our Savior knew that keeping our minds and hearts focused on our Heavenly Father’s plan, and ignoring the distractions of the world, was essential for us to find joy and happiness in this life and in the next.

The same is true for our marriages.  When we have our hearts and minds turned to the things of God we will naturally turn toward one another with feelings of charity, forgiveness, and love.  Satan’s greatest wish is to destroy families by encouraging us to focus on the petty, negative aspects of our spouses.  He wants us to turn our hearts away from God and away from each other by convincing us that our anger is more justified, our personal goals more important, and our needs and wants greater than that of our spouse.

However, the Lord’s way is not selfishness, but generosity.  The scriptures teach us to "clothe yourself with the bond of charity, as with a mantle." (Doctrine & Covenants 8:125) When we turn away from ourselves and turn to face our Savior, He will soften our hearts, bear our burdens, and give us the ability to show love and kindness to our spouses even in difficult times.  Family life specialist, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, writes,

“As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently.”⁴

With a heart full of the pure love of Christ we will be able to see our spouses differently, as flawed human beings who are nonetheless loved by our Heavenly Father and worthy of kindness and patience.  We will be more likely to look for ways to turn toward one another and show our affection and appreciation.  And this in turn will help us create strong marriages and families that can stand together through eternity.

1 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
2 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
3 Source: Lynn G. Robbins "Which Way Do You Face?" (2014) via lds.org
4 Source: Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," (2007) Meridian Publishing, VA