W13: Transitions in Marriage – In-Law Relations

When I was married at the age of 21, I immediately gained two additional parents, six new siblings, 4 siblings-in-law, and several nieces and nephews.  This meant that I was now part of a family with over 20 members, and it was growing rapidly!  In the early days of my marriage I assumed a “happily ever after” attitude in which I supposed that all of these different people with different backgrounds would get along as one big happy group.  I soon grew to realize that that isn’t always the case, and that a lot of adjusting and compromise would be necessary for us all to get along with each other.  Fortunately for me, the family members on both sides were kind and helpful to my husband and me as we navigated the new territory of becoming our own little family.  But for some, the transition to living with and learning to love their in-laws can be a difficult one.

image via: Deseret News

It Takes a Village

As the old saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.  And when those children are grown the village expands to include extended families that include parents, siblings, sibling’s spouses, and new children.  While everyone comes into this new family “village” with their own histories and diverse backgrounds, it is important to remember that, deep down, we all want the best for the ones that we love.  Each family member should do their best to remember the counsel of Elder Marvin J. Ashton who taught,

“Married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents.  In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent.”¹

In other words, as a couple transitions from each person being someone’s son or daughter to being a unified husband and wife, the roles of the extend family members must change and adapt to make room for this new family unit.  While it is important to continue to seek advice and council from wise parents, it is also vital that the new married couple learn to place a high priority on counseling together and making decisions based on what is best for their family.  Though difficult, parents may need to take a step back and give space to the new couple to allow them to learn how to make their own decisions through trial and error, and by relying on their own judgement and their own council with the Lord.

An Eternal Perspective

One thing to keep in mind during this time of transition is that families are meant to be forever.  The families that raised you, together with the family you create, along with any offspring that may follow through future generations are all one eternal family in the sight of the Lord.  When we keep this eternal perspective in mind, we will be more inclined to reach out to our extended family with love and patience, get to know them better, and become more unified in our hearts.

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The temple is a wonderful place to go to remind ourselves of the doctrine of eternal families and the value of cultivating loving family relationships.  In the temple we can be reminded of why we got married in the first place, and feel the strength that comes from our hope of eternal family life with the ones we love.  We learn how to be more Christlike, how to put aside worldly or selfish things, and how to make promises that can last forever.

 

The temple can also be a place to renew your commitment to our spouse.  Each time we attend the temple we can reaffirm in our hearts the same promises that we made when we were sealed together for time and all eternity.  In the words of Dr. Bernard E. Poduska,

“The most important issue is not that you and your partner got married, but whether the two of you still want to be married.”²

Regular attendance at the temple can help strengthen our marriages and help us through the difficult transitions that might come from married life.  As our testimony of eternal families grows stronger and more sure, we will have a greater capacity to reach out in love and understanding to in-laws and extended family.  We will also be blessed to be guided by the Holy Ghost as we make decisions that affect our family “village” and cultivate strong and loving ties throughout our entire family unit.

Source1: Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005)."Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H.Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healingour families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: AProclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret BookCompany.

Source 2: Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter11). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.