W12: Transitions in Marriage – Power Relations and Children

As children come into our homes our marriages change and evolve to include the new duties and roles of parenthood.  This can be a great opportunity for growth as we face new challenges together as a team.  However, it can also present new problems within our marriages as we struggle to find the balance of power within the home and to define the new roles we each have to play.

Balance of Power

One issue that many couples struggle with is knowing how to set proper limits and discipline their children.  We each come into our marriage with different backgrounds and different ideas about how children should be raised.  This can lead to a power struggle between mom and dad, or between parents and kids, as each member of the family attempts to influence the situation in their own way.

A big part of balancing this power is letting your children know that you and your spouse are united as a team.  You can do this by setting clear rules and guidelines for your children and backing each other up as you proceed to enforce them.  If one parent is constantly the “enforcer” and the other parent is always permissive, the child will soon learn which parent to go to for permission, or to avoid the consequences of their actions.  This not only creates a problem in the parent-child relationship, but also weakens the marital relationship.  A system of “good cop/bad cop” will eventually feel out of balance, and the division of love and labor will not feel equal.  This can foster feelings of spite, jealousy, or bitterness between husband and wife.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states,

“In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”¹

Equal parenting partners learn how to maintain the balance of power in their home by supporting one another, communicating regularly and openly, and showing respect toward one another.  In this way, they demonstrate to their children that they are a united team and that they direct the family with righteousness and confidence.

Family Councils

Perhaps the greatest tool we have to help us communicate openly and set appropriate rules for our families is family councils.  Holding regular family councils provides us an opportunity to share our feelings, address concerns, and resolve conflicts.  It also helps provide an atmosphere of respect and understanding within the home.

image via: lds.org

General authorities of the church have often advised church members to hold various types of family councils.  In a talk given in 2016, Elder M. Russel Ballard outlined four types of family councils that he suggests having on a regular basis.  These are:

• General family council – in which the entire family takes part
• Executive family council – which involved both mother and father
• Limited family council – which includes both parents and one child
• One-on-one family council – in which one parent meets with one child²

Elder Ballard points out that these four types of councils can be held spontaneously, or at regular intervals.  They can be formal or less structured.  They can take place at whatever time and in whatever setting fits your family.  But they all can contribute to the quality of relationships and communication within our homes.

The Executive family council, between mother and father alone, is the place where most rules can be set, problems can be addressed and decisions can be made for the family.  While it is sometimes appropriate to include children in these discussions, most family decisions will come from husband and wife who have prayerfully met in council together to discuss the needs of the family.

Protection From Heaven

image via: lds.org

As with all things, the key to a successful family council is focusing on gospel principles and listening to the voice of the Spirit.  If we want to strengthen and protect our families, we must council together often to counteract the teachings of the world.  When we invite the Holy Ghost to be present in our family councils, we will not be left to make important decisions on our own, but we will have help from heaven to guide our efforts.  Elder Ballard teaches,

“Brothers and sisters, there was a time when the walls of our homes provided all the defense we needed against outside intrusions and influences. We locked the doors, closed the windows; we shut the gates; and we felt safe, secure, and protected in our own little refuge from the outside world. 

Those days are now gone. The physical walls, doors, fences, and gates of our homes cannot prevent unseen invasion from the Internet, the Wi-Fi, the mobile phones, the networks. They can penetrate our homes with just a few clicks and keystrokes. 

 Fortunately, the Lord has provided a way to counter the invasion of negative technology that can distract us from spending quality time with each other. He has done this by providing the council system to strengthen, protect, safeguard, and nurture our most precious relationships.”³

Source 1: The Family: A Proclamation to the World (1995) via lds.org
Source 2: "Family Councils" (2016) M. Russell Ballard via lds.org
Source 3: "Family Councils" (2016) M. Russell Ballard via lds.org