W06: Cherishing Your Spouse

image via: alexamariezurcher.com

You’ve heard the old adage, “fake it ‘till you make it?”  Did you know that approach can help save a marriage in trouble?  While it’s true that having a positive attitude can’t solve all marital problems, it can help you to foster love and respect for your spouse and teach you to notice and appreciate the positive aspects of your marriage, rather than focusing on the negative ones.

Focus on the Positive

I must be honest; when I first read about principle number two in Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work,” I was skeptical.  Dr. Gottman advises couples to focus on the positive aspects of your spouse and actively point them out to each other as a way to “nurture your fondness and admiration.”¹  I thought of the struggling couples who seek out marriage counseling and wondered if listing your spouse’s best qualities and expressing gratitude for them would seem fake and insincere to those who were not feeling those sentiments at the time.   I wondered how saying words you don’t really feel could possibly help a couple overcome their feelings of negativity toward one another.  But Dr. Gottman points out that,

“Developing a positive habit doesn’t sugarcoat a relationship.  Instead it resets it to a more realistic perspective.”²

He goes on to explain that, in his research, unhappily married couples who are asked to list their positive interactions with one another typically list only half of the positive acts that actually occurred!  This means that, because the couple’s focus was so drawn to the negative qualities in their spouse, they were oblivious to many positive, nurturing acts that were occurring on a daily basis.  Figuring out how to downplay the negative and focus on the positive became a crucial lesson for these couples.

Re-Train Your Brain

I still wasn’t quite convinced of the effectiveness of this approach until Dr. Gottman explained the science behind this theory.  He described how cognitive therapy is proven to be successful in helping people who suffer from depression.  Dr. Gottman explains,

“When people fall into a depression, their thinking may become disordered – they see everything in an extremely negative light, which just adds to their sense of hopelessness.  But if, over time, they deliberately accustom their mind to a different, positive way of thinking, the sense of hopelessness can be lifted.”³

The comparison to positive thinking in dealing with depression really hit home for me.  As someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, I can attest that the power of positive thinking is real.   When I first took this approach to help with my depression I thought I was being phony.  As though I were slapping a smiley-faced band aid on a deeper problem and not really dealing with the negative feelings.  But over the years I have come to appreciate first-hand what positive thinking, and re-training your brain to notice and appreciate the good things in your life, can really do.  It has helped me, as it has helped countless others, to overcome feelings of hopelessness and open my mind and heart to the joy that is present all around me.  The same can be done for our marriages, if we work to cultivate this “attitude of gratitude.”

The Gospel Perspective

image via: millionwaystomother.com

This approach to focusing on the joy and gratitude in our lives is not only rooted in scientific research, it also has roots in gospel teachings as well.  President Henry B. Eyring has taught the necessity of training our brains to focus on the good in our lives and in each other.  He suggests that filling our hearts with the love of God will change our very natures so that we willingly see the good in others, and overlook and forgive the bad.  He says,

“Our way of life, hour by hour must be filled with the love of God and love of others.”⁴

This is a choice we must make over and over again each day, as new challenges occur and new threats to our personal and marital happiness arise.  We must choose each day to follow the Savior’s example and to love one another even when imperfections are present.  We must choose whether the focus of our lives will be misery or joy.   In making this choice we set the stage for discontent or happiness in our family relationships.

1 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
2 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
3 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
4 Source: Henry B. Eyring, "Our Perfect Example" (2009) via lds.org