W05: Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage

The Problem With Conflict

In Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work,” he boldly states that one truth about marriage, which he has discovered through years of research, is that,

“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind, but it can’t be done.”¹

Think of that!  Have you ever heard someone say something like, “You can’t change him – men never change,” or “Women are just different, you can’t hope to understand them.”  These points of view express a negative version of what is essentially a basic truth: you really can’t change another person.  The only person you can really change is yourself.  So many marital arguments stem from trying to change another person’s behavior or opinion about something, which ultimately is a waste of our time, energy, and emotions.  Instead, as Dr. Gottman suggests, we can “learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.”

This does not mean that we shouldn’t expect growth and personal development in our spouses.  Nor does it mean we should excuse all their behavior and constantly try to change ourselves to suit them (that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship).  But it does mean that, instead of trying to fit them into our own mold, we should focus more on loving them for who they are, and appreciating them as a human being.  In short, in addition to loving our spouses, we should simply like them.

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Friendship

Dr.Gottman gives us the secret to happy marriages as he sees it: partners must be more than husband and wife, they must be friends.  He points out that,

“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”²

In other words, if we really like our spouse and cultivate a close friendship with them, we will be more inclined to help than to hurt them.  We will be more inclined to be a source of comfort than a source of criticism.

If we hope to be the best friend we can be to our spouse, we need to look to the example of our ultimate Friend, our Savior Jesus Christ.  He has taught us that a true friend, as He is to us, never abandons you, never belittles you, and never wants to dim your light so that theirs will shine brighter.  A true friend desires your happiness as much as their own, and is willing to make sacrifices for you.  A true friend sees you as a person, not as a project.

Thank You For Being a Friend

I think there are two aspects to being good friends with your spouse: spending time together to build bonds, and spending time on yourself to become the kind person who can be a good friend to others.

The first, spending time together, might seem obvious.  But the importance of finding common interests and taking the time make your marriage a priority cannot be stressed enough.  That old advice, “keep dating your spouse” is wise.  Dating your spouse allows you to continue drawing closer, making memories and building bonds of friendship that started in the dating years.  For my husband and I this means being willing to watch one another’s movie choices (with an open mind), read the same books so we can discuss them, go to a concert, attend the temple, go out to dinner with friends, and even try new things – such as a new cultural dish or exploring a new city – together.  Even an afternoon spent pulling weeds and planting new plants in our backyard can be considered our “date time” because we’re spending time together, interacting, talking, laughing, and making memories.  In the time spent planting our garden, we're also planting seeds of friendship that will bloom for years.

The second aspect is spending time on yourself, really trying to become the kind of person who is a good friend.  Personally, I find that giving myself a little nurturing now and then helps me to be a kinder, more patient person.  For me, reading a good book, studying the words of prophets from General Conference talks, doing yoga, going for a walk, attending the temple, listening to uplifting music, and getting enough sleep, all contribute my sense of well-being and allows me to feel more joyful and content.  Taking care of myself and making sure my own needs are met allows me to turn my attention outward to look for ways I can meet the needs of others.  The key part of this nurturing is to nurture my relationship with the Savior through every day gospel living, so that I can feel closer to the Spirit and more loving and generous toward my family members.

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Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, an LDS Family Life Specialist, put it this way,

“I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person – to be born again – to be a new creature in Christ.  When we are more godly, fewer things bother us.  And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.”³

These things can take a lifetime of practice to perfect, which is perhaps one of the reasons that marriage is a lifelong (ideally, an eternal) commitment.  It might take us our whole lives to really learn how to be a Christlike, loving friend to our spouse.  Thankfully, our Father in Heaven has given us this earth life as a time to practice those things that are not yet perfect – including practicing being a friend to our spouse.

In the best marriages, we can find hope and comfort in the fact that our spouse is trying to do these same things, too.  You might not be able to change your spouse or resolve all of your differences permanently, but the Lord can and will change our hearts so that we can become more patient, loving, and selfless.  He can help us to see our spouse as a friend, and as a child of God, so that we can treat them with the same kindness, respect and patience that we hope to be treated with.  With practice, this builds bonds of love and friendship that will stand the test of time.

1 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
2 Source: Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., "The Seven Principles of Making Marriages Work," (2015) Harmony Books, NY
3 Source: Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," (2007) Meridian Publishing, VA