Week 02: Marriage Trends and Divorce
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| Image via: Deseret Book |
Consequences of divorce
Marriages and families have been changing rapidly over the
past few decades. America has gone
through a fairly swift transformation from a nation built on “traditional
family values” to one that is focused more on individual well-being and
personal pursuits of happiness. Studies
show that, although divorce rates have declined somewhat since their all-time
high in the 1980s1, the divorce rate in this country is still high,
with many adverse effects for both the adults and the children involved.
According to a recent national publication on marriage in
America,
“Americans are stepping on and off the carousel of intimate relationships increasingly rapidly… Which means that today’s children of Middle America are growing up without stable families to help them weather economic change, deregulation, and globalization."2
Countless studies have concluded that divorce is harmful in
the long term to both the adults and children involved and lead to higher
instances of drug and alcohol abuse, problems in school, depression and other
emotional problems, violence, crime, and abuse.
Studies have also shown that healthy marriages are better for our
nation’s economy and social stability, and are a contributing factor in the
levels of education and income that a family reaches.
Individual vs. Family
If we can all agree that divorce is unhealthy for children and
damaging to society, then why is divorce still so common? I believe it’s because we’ve changed our
priorities and become a nation more concerned with self than with others. We see marriage and children simply as
optional activities that should only be pursued as long as it “makes us happy.” We put equal or greater importance on
personal achievements such as job success, wealth, hobbies, or popularity. When every member in the family is concerned
mainly with their own private pursuits, and puts an emphasis on their own
personal happiness, it is easy to see why family members drift apart and lack
the real bonds that bind families together.
Often we hear the argument that, “If I’m unhappy my family
will be too, so it’s in their best interest if I leave” or “pursuing my own
happiness will make me a better father/mother/spouse/etc.” People claim that living in cohabiting
families, or other alternative arrangements allows them the freedom to each
pursue their own happiness, without “tying down” the other family members or committing
to anything that they might change their minds about later. But all evidence
points to the fact that this attitude does more harm than good, and that
families and societies are negatively impacted by this self-first approach to
life.
As we have shifted more and more toward alternative family
structures - including single-parenting, step-parenting, cohabiting, same-sex
relationships, etc. – studies have been continuously conducted to find out
whether or not these new family structures will have any impact on the children
involved, and on society in general.
However, true analysis of these changing family structures take
time. Studies can’t really be effective
until at least one or two generations of children who have lived in broken
homes or with alternative family structures grow up into adulthood and the
effects of their childhoods and upbringings can really start to be measured. We
are now just beginning to see the national and global effects of the “freedom”
movements of the 1960s and 1970s, which began a cultural shift in the attitude
toward marriage and traditional families.
What these changes in marriage and family culture will really mean to
our children and grandchildren remains to be seen.
Many youth today are seeing marriage as a less-desirable
option, and viewing cohabitation, divorce and single-parenting as equally
viable options for their future. If
these new attitudes continue to grow and spread, the marriage rate is likely to
decline, the divorce rate is likely to grow, and we are likely to see serious
consequences in our families and in society.
What can we do?
So what, if anything, can be done to reverse this trend?
For one thing, we can work to strengthen our own marriages
and to provide good examples for our children of what it means to be in a
healthy, happy marriage. This may mean
changing our own attitudes about divorce and separation, and deciding instead
that divorce is simply not an acceptable solution for us. Once we take that option off the table, the
only remaining option then becomes to do what we can to make our marriages
successful.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an LDS Apostle, teaches,
“A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”3
Many people have the idea that, because divorce is so easy
to attain and so commonly practiced, that it is a natural option when you feel
you need a “way out” of your marriage.
Because our society has shifted to a focus on individual needs and
happiness, we often see marriage as an unnecessary sacrifice and adopt the
attitude that, if I’m not happy with him/her, I “owe it to myself” to seek
happiness elsewhere. This is a dangerous
and damaging point of view that may plant the seed of unrest and unhappiness in
a person’s heart and lead them to believe that their marriage is keeping them
from finding true happiness.
Planting the seeds
In my own life, I have seen first-hand the effects that come
from planting seeds of selfishness and stubbornness. My parents divorced when I was young, and
though they tried to make their new arrangement work for everyone, there were
inevitable consequences that are still being felt today. Relationships were damaged and emotions were
bottled up to the point of overflowing.
It has taken me a lifetime to learn that, although each family member
did their best under the circumstances, there may have been healthier ways to
deal with the discord in our family.
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| Image via: LDS Living |
The real path to marital and family happiness, of course, is
to plant seeds of kindness, forgiveness, and selflessness. When we see our spouse through heaven’s eyes
and remember that they, too, are a human being in need of love, patience, and
support, we are more willing to overlook one another’s smaller mistakes and
move forward with feelings of love. Planting seeds of kindness and
understanding can help us to later sow a harvest of closeness, trust, and
fidelity. Putting aside our individual whims and desires
and focusing on what’s best for our family helps us develop self-control,
compassion, and selflessness. Elder
Dallin H. Oaks advises,
“I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”4
Obviously, this doesn’t mean that marital problems are never
serious and that there won’t be genuine consequences for those who make wrong
choices in regards to their marriages.
This doesn’t minimize or excuse the pain and suffering caused by hurtful
choices. It doesn’t magically heal the
very real and deep scars caused by abuse, abandonment, or infidelity. It may take therapy, or other outside help to
fully work through these feelings. And
it may take years before the effects of your efforts really start to show. Even then, some marriages that are truly
harmful to the spouses or children involved simply must come to an end.
But for the rest of us, we can be sure that if we rely on
heaven’s aid and look for the good in our spouses we will be blessed with
stronger, happier marriages and family relationships.
In a world-wide publication on marriage and family, "The Family: A Proclamation to the World", the First
Presidency of the Church teaches,
“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”5
By focusing on these principles and letting go of petty
annoyances we can experience real love and harmony in our marriages and in our
homes. By realizing that the real beauty
in life is not in selfish pursuits but in the love and kindness we show to
others, especially our family, we will find lasting personal happiness. The
seeds of a strong family will be planted, and when the storms of life are felt,
our family roots will be resilient and hold firm.
1 Source: The State of Our Unions, the National Marriage Project and Institute for Family Values (2012)
2 Source: The State of Our Unions, the National Marriage Project and Institute for Family Values (2012)
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